Battlebots of The Sickazz Plains

Blogger’s Note: This is my 5th post for my Flicks blog and I thought I would do something slightly different. The focus of this blog as you know is on soundtracks. Up until now all of the soundtracks have been for films that are real – films you can readily watch, enjoy and discuss enthusiastically with Dominic Corry next time you see him at the pub. This blog on the other hand is for a film that does not exist, a film I am going to make up from scratch.

In preparation I have a pile of CDs, a list of musical compositions that I like and that I think would be cool on the big screen, my copy of Blake Snyder’s Save The Cat, and a large whiskey (Grants with plenty of ice).

Oh yeah, I’m calling my film Battlebots of The Sickazz Plains (or They Were the Deathbots (of the Broken World) – not sure yet). It’s a cartoon set in a distant post-apocalyptic future.

Here’s my attempt at a Hollywood style logline:

“In the far future some badass cyborgs fuck shit up and get high; this is their story.”

Or maybe…

“It’s the end of the world and some badass mutant cyborgs spend their last days fucking shit up and getting high; this is their story. “

I am thinking perhaps the latter.

Act I

The hero of the story is named Po97. He is a mutant cyborg in the year 3898. He lives in a community of anarchic mutant cyborgs in a desert wasteland. For fun they upload digital viruses into their cyborg parts and hoon about in the desert as their tech bits try to cope with the random and self-destructive code running through their circuits. They listen to 20th century noise rock. Pump up the volume and smash into each other. Po97 is their best warrior.

The story starts with Po97 doing a voice over while the camera pans across the post apocalyptic cartoon desert. He gives us the state of play while the cyborgs inject their viruses and start their hooning.

Cue this song by Pussy Galore:

Cyborgs yell random and unintelligible things as the viruses take control. They also randomly run into things and have the odd personality change. Non sequitur abound. Later they go to town and swagger about.

When not hooning, they salvage for parts and terrorize other communities.

Something happens though and Po97 no longer finds cyborg life in 3898 appealing. They have been doing this for decades. Po97 voices this dissatisfaction while on a salvage mission at a nearby garbage heap. His friend Loji32 finds a spare robot arm – similar to the arms of the robot from TV’s Lost In Space – and affixes it to his groin and parades around as it flexes about like a vulgar out of control vacuum cleaner hose. Po97 is not impressed and sighs. “Dude that was funny 78 years ago when hut09 first did that, and again later that same year when Tret32 repeated the joke but then 37 years later when Wert23 did it we all agreed it was pretty tired and just laughed because we felt sorry for him because you know his RAM was faulty but now… dude that is just sad.” At this rebuke Loji32’s new appendage drops to the ground sending up little dust clouds.

Just then a message comes over the ether that their arch nemeses the Cyborgs of Beta Gamma Alpha Bailterspace have entered their territory and are about to attack.

Next scene is a massive cyborg battle to the sounds of this bit of Japanese Noise (Masonna)

Lots of violence – lots of blood – lots of dismemberment and explosions. Towards the end of the battle all is going well but Po97 starts to malfunction. One of his uploaded viruses is still in his system. He behaves oddly, he hallucinates images of large cuddly toys with tentacles which morph into giant multi – coloured insects. Then we realize the insects are real and are attacking both cyborg groups.

Po97 blacks out. End of Act I

Act II

Act II begins with Po97 wandering through the desert. He doesn’t look good. One of his arms is not working and is giving off the odd spark. He is talking to himself. He is obviously hallucinating.

Hallucination #1 Music = Inca Ore’s Natural High

Skin and metal covering start to loose their shape and flap as if they were being buffeted by soft winds. Po97 walks through abstract desert scenes. Everything strobes for a while. The sky turns into a thousand butterfly wings.

Hallucination #2 Music = Luc Ferrari’s Visage V (1958-59)

Everythings turns metallic and chrome. Lots of lens flare and slowmotion scenes of machines assembling and disassembling themselves. At the end insect legs burst out of the ground.

Before sinking into his third hallucination Po97 receives a distress call from his friends saying they are in trouble and need him. Insects are everywhere. Po97 meets a little floating metallic globe that he makes friends with. They go on adventures which Po97 gives a brief cursory narration over slide like images.

Our adventures were many varied – we sailed upon the solar winds and spat into the eyes of infinity. We made a thousand enemies and ten thousand friends. We watched empires grow and then collapse only to grow once again. We made love on the tombs of ancient kings, squandered fortunes in dusty pool halls, beat all comers at Qix – we laid waste to all. We lead a revolution of child soldiers against the Nome King. We went where the wild things were. We had nothing to do with Mr. Toad.

Hallucination ends when the friendly floating metallic globe becomes an insect eye and both Po97’s legs give out and he collapses.

Camera pans back and we see that Po97 is lying face-down in front of a mysterious futuristic building.

Another message comes in from Po97’s cyborg friends requesting help. Po97 is no longer functioning.

Suddenly ten or so miniature robots spring out of nowhere and pick Po97 off the ground and carrying him through the building’s now open door. End of act II.

Act III

Po97 wakes up later bathed in light. He is suspended in the air with many tubes running into him. A large white globe descends from the ceiling. It starts making machine noise. Po97 communicates back. It sound something like this…

Through subtitles we learn that the white globe is the communications module for the building. The building is a cybernetic being. It has healed Po97 physically but it’s not sure what state his brain is in. It seems the virus has permanently altered him but in what it does not know. Po97 says he must find his friends and save them from the giant insects. The building says he is much too weak still and who knows what state his brain is in. Anything could happen. You must stay until we know more. It’s too dangerous. No I must go anyway says Po97. No says the building and injects him with something that knocks him out.

While asleep Po97 realizes that he has a connection with his cyborg friends as well as their enemies the Alpha Beta Gamma Bailterspace. He can jump from body to body even those half dead in the desert. He realizes too that he is linked with the building. It seems that all the cybernetic beings that he has come into contact with have been infected with the virus and now they are all one.

With that knowledge he builds himself a new body using parts of the building. He is now a giant robot and he flies off to save his friends.

Cut to scene of giant insects sunning themselves on the ruins of his home. They are huge, bulbous and they pulse obscenely.

Po97 reaches out to the other cyborgs (who are hiding in the surrounding wasteland) and teaches them how to link together and how to build their own giant robot bodies.

Ferocious insect vs cyborg battle takes place synced to either this Dead C song (Sky)