When I post a sizeable article up (i.e. something beyond 100 words), I usually want it to have some substance; to come to some sort of conclusion that logically follows from a given set of premises (or, at the very least, pose a ponderous question).
Today’s post is not an attempt to express a hearty opinion. Rather, it is an exercise in my bitchy-winey-moaniness over the numerous things that went irritatingly wrong in my midnight screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.
I love midnight screenings. It does my geek heart good to see dedicated fans arrive in costume that would otherwise be considered fashion blasphemy. I dressed up too (as a muggle). I wouldn’t call myself a Harry fanatic. I haven’t read any of the books (reading’s for the educated), but ever since The Prisoner of Azkaban, I’ve become an admirer. So to have joined a crowd who went above and beyond the level of admiration only heightened my excitement for the series’ finale.
Then, upon entering the cinema, I’m reminded of a simple fact: people suck.
A while back, Karl covered precisely why people in cinemas suck, listing five simple violations:
Pre Movie Advertising
Loud Eating
Cell Phone Use
Technical Issues
Movie Talking
That night, I was exposed to each of those distracting, putrid, unthinkable, should-be-punishable-by-brutal-lashing irritations.
Every. Single. F**king. One.
I like to think I’m a reasonable human being. I’m quite tolerant of the die-hard fans that have the primal urge to screech “I love Harry Potter!” as that Warner Bros. logo looms amongst the bleak clouds of despair. I don’t mind if the person next to me uses their cell phone’s light to find their chair because they got in five minutes late. But there is only so much I can take before I begin to question the purpose to your meaningless existence.
Part 1: Behind-the-scenes BS
Problems arose before the film even started. Playing the trailers to Priest and Happy Feet 2 back-to-back was a tad baffling, though I found that more amusing than annoying. No, the real insult was having Daniel Radcliff’s mug appear before us happily saying “Hello Australia”. The collective voice booed, as if he’d just called us all filthy mud bloods (which he pretty much did).
To bluster an already bloosted first impression, we’re then treated to a 5 minute behind-the-scenes of the movie we haven’t watched yet. It’s bad enough that an entire fan base have had to wait a whole year to get the second half of the last Potter entry, but to stretch that out a little more in order to shoehorn some pointless extra that the midnight audience will inevitably see on DVD anyway is a total spit-in-the-eyeball.
Part 2: The snorer
OK, so maybe I wasn’t sitting next to a douche bag who decided to bring a barrel-sized bag of Doritos. But I would’ve taken a loud eater over the loud snorer sitting right in front of me. Clearly dragged along by his girlfriend, the dude fell asleep two minutes in. That has to be a record or something.
The most frustrating part is that I cannot direct my angry towards the dude. It’s not like he intended to fall asleep or force his nasal cavities to make such rapturous noises. I couldn’t wake him up either, because somehow that would make ME the asshole. After three minutes of ever-growing zzzzzs, his girlfriend thought it might be a good idea to nudge his shoulder.
30 seconds later, he fell asleep again.
Part 3: Cell phone light
Teenagers…
Texting…
Cell phone light in my face…
GTFO.
Part 4: Technical issues
I lied. I didn’t go through all five horrible facets of a shitty cinema experience. To my surprise, there were no technical difficulties. In fact, we were treated to the digital projector, non-intrusive use of 3D and banging audio. It was no IMAX, but it was quality nonetheless.
However, I was reminded of the Tron: Legacy midnight screening I attended where the projector lamp blew. We sat in darkness for 15 minutes before they replaced the bulb. They didn’t even bother rewinding to the part we missed. Sure, they gave everyone a complimentary IMAX ticket that was good for a few months, but considering the only two IMAX movies they were screening before the pass expired were Battle: Los Angeles and Sucker Punch, they might as well have given me a piece of paper with “Go f**k yourself” written in the tears of tortured puppies.
Oh, who am I kidding? I enjoyed the hell out of Battle: Los Angeles.
So uhh… yeah, no technical issues. When the movie played, it did so without a hitch. With that constant, I was certain I could make it through this…
Part 5: It all ends… with movie talkers…
…but there is always that one person.
That one person who must declare every pivotal moment to the world as it happens.
That one person who cannot help but proclaim their reaction to every major plot turn as it takes place.
That one person devoid of the ability to shutting-the-cuss-up for five minutes at a time.
Every word that was uttered hacked at the cerebral cortex of my tolerance. The chaotic destruction being portrayed on screen did not compare to the violent massacre I was planning in my head.
Are you aware of that one person? My midnight screening had seven of them.
Never have I experienced such a flurry of hellish disturbances in one movie screening. While it may not have quite flipped me over to the side of murderous rampage, I did struggle with the urge to dropkick one or two audience members right in the cranium.
I still managed to enjoy the hell out of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, so perhaps I’m a bit hyperbolic in my complaints. But that’s not what the severed head outside my house says.
Actually, it’s not saying anything at all, like all considerate severed heads should.
