Star Wars is cool and I like it. It’s surrounded my entertainment life in many forms – movies, videogames, television, chess boards, plastic toys mangled with chewing marks. But I dare not call myself ‘a fan’, not in comparison to the legion of true Star Wars fans whose love for the franchise could be described as either inspiring or perspiring.
Perhaps both. And they are all beautiful for it.
As for me, Star Wars is that band I enjoy listening to but would never fork over the money to listen to them live. And yet, I ended up being one of those lucky buggers that got invited to the swanky premiere of The Force Awakens. This meant two things:
1) I was at no risk of having anything spoiled for me
2) I had a socially-enforced duty not to spoil anything for any body
That second point is a pain in the crotch to adhere to given how that movie leaves you fizzing at the lips. No matter how disciplined our defences are, some things we say or do breach the cracks without us realising – and that sensitivity goes double for the ears of Star Wars fans. So, for all you likeminded non-fans out there who have seen The Force Awakens, I’ve gone ahead and made a simple to-do / not-to-do list to avoid social ridicule during this weirdly tense time.
I’m about to detail some spoiler-y stuff too, so if you haven’t seen Episode VII yet, stop reading. This brings me to my first point:
Do: Let people know if you’re about to detail some spoiler-y stuff
I know, I know, I’m teaching you how to suck eggs even though you have a BA in Eggsuckology. But if you’re about to converse over spoiler territory, warn your audience first. If you’re about to show a spoiler-y animated GIF, warn your audience first.
Just do it.
Do it.
…
Do it.
Don’t: Tell the fans “You will cry!”
The movie’s major moment is when Han Solo dies, which has a long build-up that toys with your emotions. Will you feel relief when Solo lives through it? Or will the movie crush you by killing him off?
Via basic human reasoning skills, that pendulum-swinging moment is instantly halted when someone installs “You will cry!” into your brain. So don’t do it.
Do: Say you enjoyed it
If, being a non-fan, you enjoyed Star Wars: The Force Awakens, it’s totally fine to state “I enjoyed Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” It might be a bit of a lame status update, but at least you get your vague opinion out without any detailed damage.
And if you didn’t enjoy it, you can say that too – your Star Wars-loving pals will simply use your non-fan position to deflect your opinion away from their own anticipation.
Don’t: Say it’s the greatest film ever made
Because it’s not, and you know it. Star Wars fans will slam you for either raising their hopes too high or for not knowing what you’re talking about.
And you’d deserve it. You filthy animal.
Do: Mention that there’s no Jar Jar
If, out of the blue, you tell a Star Wars fan that there is no Jar Jar Binks in The Force Awakens, then you will most likely hear a gigantic sigh of relieve followed by a written Thank You note.
And if someone calls that a spoiler, then they deserve the disappointment that clearly went over their heads when they watched The Phantom Menace.
Don’t: Tell everyone your problems with the film
…unless you’re specifically asked. Which you probably won’t until after they’ve seen the film.
Only friction will follow the non-fan who abruptly critiques the film to the giddy group it was made for. Even if your points are valid, is it really worth crippling a Star Wars junkie’s sky-high enthusiasm just to prove a point?
Whether you like The Force Awakens or not, allow the fans the chance to witness it for themselves before you point out particular issues.
And with that said, I fucking hate that opening scroll text.
