Artificial intelligence and superficial art have never been closer. Thus, we use the latest in Flicks computer technology (AKA a random number generator) to predict the winners of this year’s Academy Awards.
Robots make art now. Undeniably, better than human art. Just look at the endless Seinfeld AI show Forever Nothing. Infinitely funnier than that ’90s sit-com no-one remembers.
If AI can make art, then logic dictates it can predict art. As in, predict the winners of the 2023 Academy Awards with 100% accuracy. Or, at the very least, more accurately than the feeble human minds of the Flicks staff.
Thus, we have created the Flicks-Bot (AKA a random number generator) to tell us who will take home the Oscars. And the guaranteed winners are…
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Judd Hirsch – The Fabelmans
Continuing the tradition of awarding the Supporting Actor trophy to veterans, Judd Hirsch will win the Academy Award for Steven Spielberg’s semi-autobiographical family drama. He may have only been in 8% of the film’s 2.5-hour running time, but he made a huge impact as Uncle Boris—in particular, the words of wisdom (?) he imparted to the impressionistic Sammy about art and destruction.
The losers: Brendan Gleeson (The Banshees of Inisherin), Brian Tyree Henry (Causeway), Barry Keoghan (The Banshees of Inisherin), Ke Huy Quan (Everything Everywhere All at Once)
VISUAL EFFECTS: Avatar: The Way of Water
Computers know computers. Undoubtedly the most computer-ed movie in the world, the Flicks-Bot has chosen James Cameron’s ultra-successful sequel as a shoe-in for this Oscar.
The losers: All Quiet on the Western Front, The Batman, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Top Gun: Maverick
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE FILM: Navalny
Take that, Putin. The Flicks-Bot knows those luvvies at The Academy cannot resist taking a shot at a politically-dangerous lunatic. Animal hospitals, the opioid crisis, volcanic romance, and child welfare can suck it. This Oscar’s going to Putin’s political opponent Alexei Navalny.
The losers: All That Breathes, All The Beauty and the Bloodshed, Fire of Love, A House Made of Splinters
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Stephanie Hsu – Everything Everywhere All at Once
Forget everything I just wrote about old people getting the Supporting Actor win: Stephanie Hsu will surprise everyone here. Everyone except the Flicks-Bot who saw this dark horse coming. Hsu’s vital role in The Daniels’ multi-verse mother-daughter story required menace, pain, humour, heart—it needed everything, and Hsu delivered that on a bagel.
The losers: Angela Bassett (Black Panther: Wakanda Forever), Hong Chau (The Whale), Kerry Condon (The Banshees of Inisherin), Jamie Lee Curtis (Everything Everywhere All at Once)
SOUND: All Quiet on the Western Front
The Flicks-Bot’s done the maths—if you’re a war film in this category, you’re almost certain to win. 1917, Dunkirk, Hacksaw Ridge, American Sniper, Zero Dark Thirty and The Hurt Locker are just some of the more recent wartime winners of the sound engineering categories. Sure, you could argue Top Gun: Maverick would have an equal chance by this logic, but between a sad war film and a fun war film, The Academy’s going to lean towards the sad one.
The losers: Avatar: The Way of Water, The Batman, Elvis, Top Gun: Maverick
WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY): Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
As an apology for not awarding Rian Johnson the Original Screenplay award for Knives Out, The Academy will make up for it here with the Adapted Screenplay award. Given Glass Onion wouldn’t exist without the previous film, it’s like awarding both of them, right?
The losers: All Quiet on the Western Front, Living, Top Gun: Maverick, Women Talking
SHORT FILM (ANIMATED): An Ostrich Told Me The World Is Fake And I Think I Believe It
Flicks-Bot’s trying to tell us all something, here…
The losers: The Boy, The Mole, The Fox And The Horse, The Flying Sailor, Ice Merchants, My Year Of Dicks
SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION): Ivalu
Flicks-Bot saw the film. Said it was incredible. You haven’t seen it. Just gonna have to take its word for this one…
The losers: An Irish Goodbye, Le Pupille, Night Ride, The Red Suitcase
DOCUMENTARY SHORT FILM: Haulout
…you don’t, however, have to take its word here. This soon-to-be-winner is available to watch right here thanks to The New Yorker. It’s a bit like March of the Penguins, except it’s about the walrus migration and how the climate crisis has impacted their movements.
The losers: The Elephant Whisperers, How Do You Measure A Year?, The Martha Mitchell Effect, Stranger At The Gate
INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM: Close
One of the biggest upsets of the night. Best Picture nominee All Quiet on the Western Front will lose to this Belgian coming-of-age tragedy. Filmmaker Lukas Dhont will not have prepared a speech and will look extremely bewildered, according to the Flicks-Bot.
The losers: All Quiet on the Western Front, Argentina, 1985, Eo, The Quiet Girl
FILM EDITING: Top Gun: Maverick
This award either goes to a blockbuster film (Gravity, Mad Max: Fury Road), a music film (Whiplash, Bohemian Rhapsody), or a lots-of-people-in-a-scene film (The Social Network, The Departed). The other four nominees fall into the latter categories. Making a clean estimate, the Flicks-Bot picks the Tom Cruise blockbuster film.
The losers: The Banshees of Inisherin, Elvis, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Tár
WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY): The Fabelmans
Spielberg writing about Spielberg? It’s an easy prediction for the Flicks-Bot. Sure, the film hasn’t won a single screenplay trophy at any of the other major award events, but this one is assured and will sit nicely next to Spielberg’s Best Director Oscar.
The losers: The Banshees of Inisherin, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Tár, Triangle of Sadness
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: The Sea Beast
Remember last year when the hosts said animated films were something parents had to suffer through? Turns out, that is 100% correct. As predicted by the Flicks-Bot, the only film the voters saw was The Sea Beast because it came up on their Netflix recommended list (and GDT’s Pinocchio looked too scary for their children).
The losers: Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio, Marcel The Shell With Shoes On, Puss In Boots: The Last Wish, Turning Red
MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG): “Applause” from Tell It Like A Woman
“Give yourself some applause.” No-one does that better than The Academy.
The losers: “Hold My Hand” from Top Gun: Maverick, “Lift Me Up” from Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, “Naatu Naatu” from RRR, “This Is A Life” from Everything Everywhere All at Once
MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE): The Banshees of Inisherin
For the sake of Carter Burwell’s fingers, we’re glad the Flicks-Bot predicted this one…
The losers: All Quiet on the Western Front, Babylon, Everything Everywhere All at Once, The Fabelmans
PRODUCTION DESIGN: Avatar: The Way of Water
Flicks-Bot pulled in the numbers from each nominee’s respective budgets and within 0.000000000001 of a millisecond declared James Cameron’s sequel the winner.
The losers: All Quiet on the Western Front, Babylon, Elvis, The Fabelmans
COSTUME DESIGN: Babylon
Flicks-Bot may have mistaken this category for ‘The Most Costumes’ award. Which doesn’t exist. But if it did, Damien Chazelle’s three-hour Hollywood splooge is a mathematical winner.
The losers: Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Elvis, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Mrs. Harris Goes To Paris
MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING: Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
Despite its slew of Oscar nominations and three wins, the original Black Panther never got a nod for Makeup and Hairstylings. To make up (heh) for that, Camille Friend and Joel Harlow will score themselves an Academy Award.
The losers: All Quiet on the Western Front, The Batman, Elvis, The Whale
CINEMATOGRAPHY: Empire Of Light – Roger Deakins
The legendary camera wizard couldn’t win this Oscar for decades, and now they can’t stop awarding the guy. This will be his third win in a row and his 16th nomination.
The losers: James Friend (All Quiet on the Western Front), Darius Khondji (Bardo, False Chronicle Of A Handful Of Truths), Mandy Walker (Elvis), Florian Hoffmeister (Tár)
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Paul Mescal – Aftersun
Given Charlotte Wells’ highly-regarded feature debut got zilch in every other category, #FilmTwitter will drop to their knees and praise les dieux du cinéma when Paul Mescal holds his Oscar up in front of a crying Brendan Fraser.
The losers: Austin Butler (Elvis), Colin Farrell (The Banshees of Inisherin), Brendan Fraser (The Whale), Bill Nighy (Living)
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Andrea Riseborough – To Leslie
The “grassroots” campaign that led to Andrea Riseborough’s controversial nomination did not escape the digital eyes of the omnipotent Flicks-Bot, picking this seemingly out-of-nowhere nod as one of the most contentious winners in The Academy’s history. Questions will be raised. Processes will be reviewed. Riseborough will get unjustified hatred online. We do not look forward to saying “Flicks-Bot told ya so.”
The losers: Cate Blanchett (Tár), Ana De Armas (Blonde), Michelle Williams (The Fabelmans), Michelle Yeoh (Everything Everywhere All at Once)
DIRECTING: The Banshees of Inisherin – Martin McDonagh
Warren Beatty has done it again, Flicks-Bot predicts. He’s somehow at the centre of another envelope mix-up, this time between Best Director and Best Original Screenplay. Having learned from 2016, however, Beatty keeps this to himself. He ain’t going to cop the blame for this one. McDonagh’s stoked.
The losers: Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert (Everything Everywhere All at Once), Steven Spielberg (The Fabelmans), Todd Field (Tár), Ruben Östlund (Triangle of Sadness)
BEST PICTURE: Triangle of Sadness
The shock winner of the Palme d’Or will shock again. As the only film in history to have not won a single Academy Awards except Best Picture, a completely unprepared and slightly drunk Ruben Östlund will run to the stage, grab his Oscar, thank absolutely no-one, and will instead egg the audience to join him in a primal scream. The screaming will get so loud, the band cannot play him off-stage. It will last 15 minutes, the same amount of time as one of the film’s most memorable scenes.
The losers: All Quiet on the Western Front, Avatar: The Way of Water, The Banshees of Inisherin, Elvis, Everything Everywhere All at Once, The Fabelmans, Tár, Top Gun: Maverick, Women Talking
