As the second season of The White Lotus draws to a close, the question beckons: who will end up a floating corpse? Eliza Janssen makes some informed guesses.
The White Lotus: Blossom Circle
HBO’s acerbic black comedy The White Lotus always manages to make us feel somewhat thankful we’re not on holiday, even though people-watching these oblivious American tourists does look like fun. The first episode of season two began in media res, with writer and director Mike White again killing off one of his star ensemble members before taking us back a week in time to their arrival at a White Lotus resort, this time in sunny Sicily.
Next week’s finale will reveal once and for all who those multiple bodies are. So before we listen to that banger of a theme song one last time, we’re having a crack at guessing the fates of each addictively awful cast member. Here, ranked from least likely to die to certainly sleeping with the Italian fishes, are our best predictions. And of course, in case you’re not up to date on the sex, lies and arancini of season two, here be spoilers.
Staying Alive
Daphne and Valentina
The tourist and the hotelier are some of the only characters we know cannot be dead, as they’re the only ones we see reacting to the washed-up corpses on the beaches of the Sicily White Lotus location. Daphne (Meghann Fahy) discovers the body (bodies??), and her somewhat impersonal reaction leads us to think that it might not be her philandering fratboy husband Cameron (Theo James) or the dour couple they’re vacationing with. Unless…she’s involved in the murder, and reacts with shock in front of those tourists as a clever alibi??
Tanya
No. No, no, no. As the only recurring cast member from season one of The White Lotus, Jennifer Coolidge’s clueless socialite must live forever and travel the world, obliviously witnessing class conflict and murder until the end of time. Mike White has even said that as long as Coolidge is interested, he’ll continue to cast her in future seasons. She’s definitely going to get fucked over by Quentin’s (Tom Hollander) vindictive gay drama, but she will survive.
Mia and Lucia
It’s too much of a disappointing trope to kill off your sex worker characters—especially when they have the most healthy, loving relationship in the whole damn show. It remains to be seen whether Lucia (Simona Tabasco) is scamming Albie (Adam DiMarco) with her threatening pimp looming in the background, but ultimately their arc on the show seems to be illuminating the darkness and opportunity of sex as a transaction, not being the victims of class-based violence. Hopefully they really do manage to move up in the world.
Probably Won’t Die
Dominic
We didn’t get as much of Michael Imperioli’s cheating, guilt-ridden dad as we would’ve liked this season, but he’s seemingly wrapping up a disastrous holiday on an optimistic note. Halfway through the season he was warned to get with the times or perish a horny, sad dinosaur, and his more thoughtful interactions with his son and dad seem to show that he’s at least trying to become a better man. We don’t reckon the show will give him another opportunity to mess up and be mortally punished.
Harper
If Aubrey Plaza’s pissed-off standout character dies, we’ll be heartbroken. Showrunner Mike White seems more likely to send her off on an empowered ending, with separation from Ethan and a less uptight future waiting for her back in the States. After all, the ornamental Moor heads dotted around the hotel represent a woman being furious at her husband’s infidelity, not the other way around. Daphne and/or Harper could reach a breaking point and get all Ancient Rome on their useless men’s asses.
Portia
Played by Haley Lu Richardson in an eye-watering and much-memed wardrobe of Gen Z fast fashion garments, Portia is “the help”, which doesn’t bode well for any doomed White Lotus characters. But perhaps she’ll come to Tanya’s rescue and find the kind of redemptive purpose in life that’ll disqualify her from a sad end on a working vacation. Witnessing someone else’s death, like Jack or Albie, could be enough to wake her out of her millennial ennui.
Might Not Make It
Jack
The stereotypical kind of loutish British lad we’re subjected to on Love Island and in any hostel in any tourist town around the world, Jack (Leo Woodall) showed hidden depths of sorrow in the season’s most recent episode, revealing his own shadowy past of sexual coercion. He’s quite a tragic character, it turns out, and uses hard partying to cover up his misery. Already a victim of Quentin’s scheming, he could be seen as expendable by the more powerful characters and take a drunken tumble into those dark waters.
Quentin
…on the other hand, Tom Hollander’s house-rich money-poor stranger has shaped up to be quite the antagonist of season two, shooting Tanya some very creepy, conniving looks as he draws her into his web of fabulosity. Some altercation with Greg, a devastated Tanya, a confused Portia not helping the situation in any way, and Jack on the verge of snapping might fatally overpower this sharply-dressed schemer.
Albie
This would be a sad conclusion to the Di Grasso men’s time in Italy, but Harvard softboi Albie has been dealing with forces far beyond his understanding: namely hooking up with the same sex worker his dad hired, and then becoming embroiled in a sinister situation with her pimp. The guy’s arc has been somewhat muted in the back half of this season, after being rejected by Portia and finding relatively sweet if superficial romance with Lucia, so an explosive ending for this naive character may be on the cards.
Probably Gonna Die
Cameron and/or Ethan
Episode three of this season compared the incel/chad dynamic between these loathsome college bros to self-destructive bull elephants: males too violent to coexist together. Ethan’s (Will Sharpe) hypocritical distrust of Harper is just about to blow over into physical aggression, and the nasty Cameron (Theo James) has been asking for it since the pilot. Will their dick-measuring contest be a Pyrrhic victory, with both buddies winding up floating in the pristine beach waters after a scuffle?
Bert
Dealing with health issues, including a very noticeable knock to the head for the last few episodes, the elderly, farting F. Murray Abraham character is an obvious pick as at least one of the dead guests. He didn’t get the big emotional homecoming he expected from his distant Sicilian ancestors, so maybe passing away in his native homeland could be the ultimate moment of grace.
Greg
Time to die, Greg (Jon Gries). If Tanya’s ungrateful and wealthy husband is really involved in a cruel plot to bilk her out of his prenup money, and if he returns to Italy from his totally dubious work trip in time, his death would pave the way for his widow to rock up in season three with a new bit of arm candy. Whether accidental or by a crime of passion, we would kind of be glad to see the Wisconsin cowboy get got.
