There is, it turns out, one thing in life more ignored than the safety instructions at the start of a flight.
It’s the announcement played before films asking, telling, demanding or guilting cinema-goers to turn off their mobile phones.
No one does. No one. Fifteen years ago a flurry of action would occur when the ad played as we all panicked that we’d be the one responsible for the Nokia ringtone interrupting The Sixth Sense. Now, no one flinches. They’re all too busy texting, tweeting or taking a selfie with the ad in the background (#irony right?!!).
Now, new cinema etiquette research conducted by Fliks.com.au indicates that almost a third of all cinema goers (29%) admit to using their phones in a cinema (while the movie is playing).
By far the majority of those gormless tech-obsessed sociopaths were texting (86%), though 1 in 5 were posting on Facebook. Presumably a status update to the effect of “Jasmine is currently socially retarded.”
What has changed? The phones. Only 8% of filmgoers acknowledged making calls on their phone in the cinema, a number unlikely to be much different to those struggling with their Nokia 1310s of yesteryear. This suggests that it is the text-based functions on the tragically inappropriately named ‘smart’ phones that are plaguing our cinemas.
So perhaps cinemas could stop asking patrons to turn off phones that haven’t been switched off since they were surgically implanted in their users’ hands, and try a more practical request:
Dear customers, we recognise you are all so lacking in empathy towards the strangers sitting around you that you are technically sociopathic.
As such, we won’t ask you to turn off your phones, as we realise you can’t be offline just in case one direction tweet about grumpy cat.
But could you perhaps dim the brightness on your screen a fraction as you currently look like you’re impersonating the spotlights at the start of Fox movies.
Besides, bright screen light in a dark room isn’t doing your appearance any favours, Spotty. Nor do you want that nose lit from below, Pinocchio. Who are you laughing at Fatty, that screen light is giving you more chins than a Czinzano commercial.
Improve your chances of getting some this film, dim your screen.
Then they could run an eight second video on how to dim an iPhone. They could even transmit it as a Vine.
Alternatively, here’s an idea – back up your warnings with action. It worked for the Alamo Drafthouse cinemas in America. They have a strict You Text, We Kick You Out policy. In 2011 they famously ejected one phone-obsessed patron who chose to call the box office and complain to their voicemail. So they turned that message into their next audience announcement.
Genius. A little enforcement. A little public shaming. It’s almost like they expect people to have some comprehension of common courtesy. And it works. The Alamo chain has grown and is famous for providing a legitimately serene cinema environment.
82% of respondents felt that phones should be banned in cinemas (even those on silent). It’s not clear how many of these people realised one tiny technicality:
THEY ALREADY ARE.
I’ll phrase that more clearly:
Phones ARE banned in cinemas.
When the ad asks you to turn off your phone, that is exactly what it is doing. Banning you from using it. Stupidly they are relying on people to self-police this ban. Ha! Presumably respondents are hoping for a cinema-enforced ban. Of course that would require a security service to run the phone check-in at the start of every film and a collection point at the end of every film. Anyone who has ever been to a sneak screening of a blockbuster knows the inconvenience of that.
Besides, the phones aren’t the problem. Phones don’t bother people; people bother people.
Exactly half of our survey takers identified in-film talkers are the most hated cinema patrons. Not those on phones (they came second on 31%). Rather, those busy talking to their date, or the characters on the screen, or themselves.
Those people ARE annoying. Particularly to the poor sap sat next to them who has probably been married for 23 years to someone who is otherwise lovely and intelligent but feels compelled to point out the sort of nuances and details that four-year-olds comprehend without comment:
“That’s the bad guy.”
“Oh he’s killed her.”
“That Jennifer Lawrence is quite pretty really isn’t she.”
“This popcorn tastes funny. Oh whoops, I’m eating your scarf.”
People go to the cinema for a shared cinematic experience. Unfortunately nowadays the people they’re sharing it with aren’t in the room. People aren’t going to stop using phones in cinemas because a 30 second ad asks them to. People aren’t going to leave their phones at the door before every screening. They’re too busy leaving their brains there.
