To me, you are other people. This makes you hell. Sorry to ruin your day by pointing this out. There you were probably thinking you were a fun guy or a cool chick but the cold fact of the matter is that you are not. You are other people. And, to me at least, you are hell.
Nowhere is this truer than in the cinema. In all the flap over the not-at-all shocking news that people are illegally downloading movies, some of the most important and pertinent information revealed in the Cinema Census got side-lined – mainly all the bits detailing how annoying, aggravating and irritating you people are at the movies. So how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…
Movie Talkers
Stat: 43% of respondents listed you as the biggest movie going irritation.
Crime: Not shutting the hell up during the film.
General: There are three kinds of movie talkers, though all are equally as hellish. Firstly there’s the plot questioner who talks the whole way through the film asking inane questions that could be answered if they just shut their gob for two blimmen minutes and watched the damn film. Secondly there’s the comedian who likes to say supposedly “funny” things loudly and often. And lastly there’s the oblivious, who just talk about anything and everything, except of course the film.
Course of Action: First you have to do the “look”, a stern, furrowed brow, vaguely annoyed look right at them. This can be unnerving to pull off as often it will be dark in the theater and you won’t know who it is you’re frowning at. But you have to go for it. Sadly it won’t stop the comedian or the oblivious but it very well may shut the plot questioner up for a bit. Or at least until that character from the first act reappears after not being on screen for 10 minutes…
If the look fails you can move onto the ‘Sshhh’ but that runs the risk of engaging them in conversation, which, is the last thing you want to do with a movie talker.
If talking persists you either have to confront, leave the theater and try and find an usher (good luck with that…), sit there quietly getting angry or you could always follow George Costanza’s lead in dealing with the movie talker.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzxfivZF9Yk
Remember there’s safety in numbers so in any verbal communication be sure to include the crowd who are likely as irked as you by the movie talker. Try saying something like, “Hey pal, stop talking. All of us here in this cinema are trying to watch the movie. Am I right people?”. All going to plan you will be backed up by a rousing chorus of ‘ you said it brother’ and ‘amen to that’ and ‘damn straight’ making you the cinema hero.
All not going well you’ll find yourself sshhh’ed as well.
- Rihanna doesn’t like movie talkers either…
Technical Issues
Stat: 24% of respondents listed you as the biggest movie going irritation.
Crime: Image out of focus, sound too loud/quiet etc
General: Technical issues may not technically be people, but technicians are people and it’s them where going to hold responsible for this the second biggest movie going irritation.
Course of action: Nothing takes you out of the moment like a blurry image or sound cutting in and out. Fortunately most technical issues pop up at the very start of the film so as long as someone in the theater gets up and goes off to find an usher (yeah, good luck with that) it should get sorted fairly quickly. Of course if you’re sitting near the middle of the cinema you probably won’t see someone behind you getting up to go find and usher and get the problem fixed. So you could redundantly get up. And lets face it, anytime you get up once you’re sitting is annoying to you and to other people. All the ‘excuse me, excuse me’ as you try and creep past. No, better to sit tight and have faith in your fellow humans that someone else has gone off to address the problem.
Of course, cinemas could require an usher to watch the first five minutes of a film to make sure the technicians have done their job properly and there’s no technical difficulties, but hey, that’s clearly an outrageous idea…
We just have face the fact that technicians are people and all their technical issues make them hell.
- Hey Einstein, sort it out already!
Cell Phone Users
Stat: 19% of respondents listed you as the third biggest movie going irritation.
Crime: Using cell phone during the movie.
General: Okay, some people genuinely do forget to put their films on silent before the film starts. It shows a severe lack of intelligence and marks them out as a berk, but as long as the ringtone’s killed quickly then everyone in the cinema will just mark them down as a dumbass and move on. However if the ringing phone is answered that person is an asshat who deserves every last bit of popcorn that is thrown at them.
Course of action: Well, there’s not much you can do if someone answers their phone. Booing, popcorn throwing and ssshhing is about the extent of your arsenal here. But again, no matter which course you take in all likely hood you will have the full support of your fellow movie goers.
- Don’t be this guy
Loud Eaters
Stat: 10% of respondents listed you as the fourth biggest movie going irritation.
Crime: Eating snacks loudly, rustling plastic wrappers, making that slurpy noise with the straws.
General: There’s not much worse than hearing other people eating. The loud eater is an uncouth beast whose very presence will fill you with disgust. The noises aren’t pleasant but we advise against looking in their direction. Witnessing a person shoveling food into their open mouth is not something you want to see.
Course of action: When I was sat next to a loud eater I was defeated. I tried the look and I tried the sshhh but all I got back in reply was a confused and startled look. It turns out the loud eater has not yet reached the evolutionary state of self awareness so your ire and scorn is wasted. If there’s not assigned seating and you’re not in a plum location really, the best thing you can do is get up and move to another seat. It’s a hassle, it’s admitting defeat and you’ll feel like civilised society has taken a step backwards with you. Sadly, it has.
- Whatever you do, don’t look directly at the loud eater. It’s an ungodly sight…
Pre Movie Advertising
Stat: 5% of respondents listed you as the fifth biggest movie going irritation.
Crime: Being an ad.
General: Again pre movie advertising isn’t people, but pre movie advertisers are, so for the purposes of this post we’ll call them hello.
Course of action: It’s a toughie. Pre movie advertising can easily be avoided by arriving late. Of course if you choose that course of action you have to pick through the scraps of the left over available seating. Often in the dark. Forget any delusions of a good center spot, you’ll be looking at sitting in the first couple of rows with your neck craned uncomfortably upwards.
Nope, your best bet is too simply get in early, get your seat and wait it out. The satisfaction you get from watching those come in late scan the dark for somewhere decent to sit before resignedly walking to the front will more than make up for seeing the extended version of some crappy television ad for deodorant…
- The worst part of pre movie advertising is trying not too eat all your popcorn before the film starts
Honourable Mention: The Over-Perfume Wearer
Crime: Wearing too much perfume into the cinema, applying perfume during the film.
General: Don’t get us wrong, a subtle whiff of fragrance can be a good thing. We’re talking about the over-perfume wearers whose over-perfuming makes your eyes water and your nostrils cry out in pain.
Course of action: If you ever find your nostrils being attacked by the hefty odour of commercial fragrances you’ll know what we’re talking about here. Having had the misfortune to have sat beside both male and female over-perfume wearers recently I can tell you that it makes for an unenjoyable cinematic experience. Again there’s nothing you can really do in this situation apart from move seats.
- Please answer the question
Conclusion:
So there you have it. The main causes of movie going irritation that were uncovered during the Cinema Census and found themselves overshadowed by the whole illegal downloading thing. I even threw in an extra one of my own for good measure.
Hell is other people and, as mentioned earlier, to me you are other people. This makes you hell. On the flipside, to you I am other people. Does that make me hell?
Well, I don’t talk during a movie, I don’t use my cell during a movie, I don’t cause technical difficulties, I don’t eat loudly, I’m not a pre-movie advertiser and I don’t over-perfume myself.
Therefore the answer can only be no, I’m not hell. I’m awesome.
